Mourning....

As we waited for the paperwork to be completed and tried to manage the fees that were piling up, I started to think about our little girls' life and how many hard things she had had to endure before she was even a year old. She had been hospitalized for the first two months of her life as she was very premature; just 2 lbs 6 oz at birth. She was fighting to develop normally and grow and be strong. She was a tough little cookie, for sure!

I also started thinking about her birth mother and what she had gone through in order to complete our family. I thought about how she must have felt when she made the decision to give her precious baby to a family that she didn't even know. Was she sad? Relieved? Does she think about what Katelyn is like? I believe in my heart that she does, because she made the most unselfish choice she could for her baby. I don't know a lot about her circumstances or the reasons she choose adoption over parenting, but I am eternally grateful. I have struggled with feeling grief for her, though. I have mourned for the emptiness she must feel. The sorrow she must feel. I want her to know how much she gave us, the impact that her choice has had on our family.

Our agency told us that if Kate ever had a sibling that was available for adoption that we would be the first family contacted. I was a bit dumbfounded at first because I had never even given a thought to the possibility that this could happen again. I (naively) assumed that having to give a child up once would prevent a repeat unplanned pregnancy. I was shocked at how desperately I wanted her birth mom to NEVER go through this again! I wanted her to have a whole and happy life and to have children that she parented in a loving relationship. I wanted her to know as much as she wanted about the baby we shared and about our family. I pray sometimes that she will contact us one day so that she can have closure if she needs and so that Kate can be blessed by the woman that chose to give her life. Which then led me wonder what would happen if Kate ever does have same-blood siblings. Will we know? Will her birth mom think to contact the agency to share the information? I have no idea what will happen, but I now feel a bit of what Kate will inevitably wonder about. I wish I had something to give her that wasn't so intangible. Her medical history is so important and I am so grateful that we have many pieces of the puzzle, but I wish I could give her answers to the "why's"  she will undoubtedly have. I pray that we can love her enough to fill those wounds that will eventually open and I hope that we will be able to guide her through those times in her life with compassion and with reverence for her birth mom and help her develop pride in her roots.