Thursday, November 18, 2010

She Will Never Be Ours.

This was my mantra while we were waiting to see if we would be chosen to parent this beautiful child. I am so lacking in my faith sometimes - I believed that she was meant for our family in the depths of my soul, but didn't trust God to clear the path for us. I felt so unworthy. There were six (yes, six) other families that had expressed interest in parenting this baby and I was sure that someone else would be chosen. So I kept myself busy while I waited, exploring grant options, choosing a local agency to do our home study with, lurking on the chat boards, you name it, I did it. And I filled out an enormous amount of paperwork! We waited and waited and waited. A lot of you know how absolutely hard being patient is for me and this was pushing my limits! We continually got medical updates with a few grim predictions; deafness, possible cerebral palsy and so on. It still didn't matter to us and I can't explain that except to say it was God's divine peace placed in my heart. I am a worrier by nature and this time, the only thing I could worry about is that there were better parents for her.

One by one, the other couples fell away. Each time we heard of this happening, I was elated and scared because I truly wanted the best for this child and if we were not it, then amen, let it be so. And then the miraculous happened! We received the phone call! I remember exactly where I was; in the Fort Campbell post office parking lot. I was expecting the call because I had known that the Board at Holt was meeting regarding her placement, but when I saw the number flash on my cell, I almost couldn't answer. My heart was beating so fast! Of course I eventually answered and our sweet agent said the most amazing words - "she is yours"! I screamed and cried and laughed and Brian and I were all hugging and cheering and our agent joined us. We talked for a moment afterwards because we had not even begun our home study which is somewhat unusual, but then so are we. We knew that the match was contingent on our paperwork and that it was time to get moving! I work best under pressure and to say I was under pressure (self-imposed) is an understatement. I was just so excited and I didn't let myself stop to think about anything but getting our new daughter home. I hindsight I wish I had savored these moments just a bit more. Enjoyed them a bit more. Thought about the reality of our choices a bit more. But it was good and although we thought we'd have more time to save for the expenses we knew that God would provide and we went forward. So very quickly.....

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